Real person. The standup messiah. Died in 1966.

S1E1 - Flashback: Joel takes Midge to see The Gaiety Traveling Burlesque Road Show, where Lenny performs a bit about kids huffing airplane glue.

S1E1 - Midge is arrested doing her first set, and finds herself in the car with Lenny.

S1E2 - Lenny goes back to ask Midge for cab fare and offers her help with finding a lawyer.

S1E3 - Lenny bails Midge out of jail.

S1E3 - Lenny brings Midge to Susie at the City Spoon Diner, and tells her about his upcoming gig at the Vanguard.

S1E3 - Midge comes to see Lenny at the Vanguard, introducing Lindsey Trent and the Hot Three. After the set, Midge shares a smoke outside with Lenny and the band. Midge smokes her first marijuana joint, and when the band is unexpectedly called back up, Midge steps in for Lenny and does an improvised set. After the gig, as they all head home, Midge tells Lenny that her husband left her, and he hails her a taxi and gives her his extra joint.

S1E7 - When Sophie tells Midge that she needs to have a character on stage, Midge retorts that Bob Hope and Lenny Bruce don’t have characters. Sophie points out that they have dicks.

S1E8 - Susie tricks Lenny into meeting her backstage at The Gaiety Theatre, and talks Lenny into opening Midge at the Gaslight to help her out of her blackballed rut.

S1E8, S2E1 - Lenny opens for Midge at the Gaslight to save her career.

S2E1 - Susie does an interview with Geno Masters and discusses Midge’s relationship with Lenny.

S2E2 - While hiding out from Harry Drake’s goons in the empty Riverside Apartment, Susie smokes the joint that Lenny gave to Midge.

• Luke Kirby also appears in the Palladinos’ subsequent series, Étoile.

• Lenny Bruce was born on October 13, 1925 in New York and died on August 3, 1966 in Los Angeles.

• Kitty Bruce, the real-life daughter of Lenny Bruce, has stated on multiple occasions that she is very happy with her father’s portrayal in the series. During the filming of the second season, Kitty was invited to visit the set and meet Luke Kirby and Rachel Brosnahan, which she did.

LENNY: Thank you. So, I was reading the paper and, uh, there was a story. These kids, uh, eight and nine year old, were sniffing airplane glue to get high on. Now these kids are responsible for turning musicians onto a lot of things they never knew about, actually. And I had a fantasy of how it happened. The kid is alone in his room. It's Saturday. The kid is played by George McCready. “Well let's see now… I'm all alone in a room and it's Saturday. I'll make an airplane, that's what I'll do! I'll make a Lancaster. Good structural design. I'll get the balsa wood here, I'll cut it out, I'll sand it down, and now a little airplane glue, I'll rub it on a rag, and uh- hey now, I'm getting loaded!”
– S1E1

LENNY: Hey.
MIDGE: Hey.
– S1E1

LENNY: You guys ever gonna take a broom to this place? We’ve already got penicillin, you don’t need to grow it.
PELUSO: Just take your things and leave, Bruce.
LENNY: I had three joints in my wallet, I expect to find them all there. [checks] Oh. You know, if you guys have some coke back there, we could have a hell of a party. [sees Midge, stops dead] You’re not my wife.
MIDGE: No.
LENNY: I thought my wife bailed me out.
MIDGE: No. I did.
LENNY: Uh-huh? Well, thanks.
MIDGE: Can I ask you a question?
LENNY: Uh… sure.
MIDGE: Do you love it?
LENNY: Do I love what?
MIDGE: Comedy; standup. Do you love it?
LENNY: Seriously?
MIDGE: [nods]
LENNY: Well, I’ve been doing it a while… Okay, let's put it like this. If there was anything else in the entire world that I could possibly do to earn a living, I would. Anything. I'm talking dry cleaners to the Klan, crippled-kid portrait-painter, slaughterhouse attendant… If someone said to me, “Leonard, you can either eat a guy's head, or do two weeks at the Copa,” I'd say “pass the fucking salt.” It's a terrible, terrible job. It should not exist. Like cancer, and god.
HONEY: [entering] Sorry. I went to the Varick station instead.
LENNY: Why the hell would you do that?
HONEY: Because you like Varick Better.
LENNY: Jesus, Honey, you don’t get to pick!
MIDGE: But do you love it?
LENNY: [shrugs, walks away]
MIDGE: Yeah. He loves it.
– S1E1

MIDGE: Excuse me- do I need a receipt for the bail money?
LENNY: And, next up in a night full of triumphs, uh, Honey forgot to tell the cab driver to turn the meter off. He’s up to twenty bucks and refuses to get paid in weed, so, I was wondering if maybe…
MIDGE: Of course. Here.
LENNY: Put it on my tab. Oh, and hey, if you need any help finding a lawyer, I’ve got a drawer full of cards, just don’t tell anyone you know where I am.
MIDGE: Lawyer?
COP: Receipt!
MIDGE: What- oh. What did you mean lawyer? Wait, what about a lawyer?
LENNY: Hold on.
MIDGE: You said if I need help finding a lawyer, why do I need help finding a lawyer?
LENNY: You got arrested. Arrested means court, court means lawyer.
MIDGE: But why do I need a lawyer? I got bailed out.
LENNY: So?
MIDGE: On the night I was arrested.
LENNY: So?
MIDGE: I didn’t sleep there.
LENNY: Where is this going?
MIDGE: I got bailed out on the night I got arrested, it’s almost like it didn’t even happen.
LENNY: But it did happen.
MIDGE: But very quickly.
LENNY: My advice? Be your own lawyer.
HONEY: It’s ticking!
LENNY: I should…
MIDGE: Uh- wait!
LENNY: Yes? What?
MIDGE: I-
LENNY: You…?
MIDGE: I don’t know what to do.
LENNY: Well, it’s morning. Go have breakfast.
HONEY: Lenny, chrissake, I’m dyin’ here!
LENNY: Yes, sitting in a cab must be harrowing.
– S1E2

MIDGE: Lipstick, cigarettes… Hey, I had some Necco Wafers in here. They're gone.
JUDY: A little lesson that crime doesn't pay. You got a coat? It's cold out.
MIDGE: Susie probably has it. ( sees Lenny ) You're not Susie.
LENNY: Nope.
MIDGE: I thought Susie bailed me out.
LENNY: I was working down the street, heard some cute uptown chick got arrested doing a set. I put two and two together.
MIDGE: Well… Thanks.
LENNY: I guess we're even.
MIDGE: Hey, I threw in cab fare.
LENNY: Aw, rats.
MIDGE: Called me cute, huh?
— S1E3
LENNY: Here, I got it.
MIDGE: Thanks. ( goes over to Susie ) Hey, I thought you were bailing me out. What's wrong?
SUSIE: Your mother. That's what's wrong.
MIDGE: So you called her.
SUSIE: Yeah, I called her, and it was awful. I mean, I forgot my own name. How the hell does that happen?
MIDGE: My mother can intimidate.
SUSIE: I was Carol for a second, then I was Donna or some shit, then I was Mrs. Miniver for like a full three minutes.
MIDGE: Mrs. Miniver? From the movie?
SUSIE: Yeah. She was spinning webs around me, man, she was like a evil web-spinning spider death sorceress. I almost confessed to the Lindbergh kidnapping.
MIDGE: They caught that guy.
SUSIE: Oh, shit. You're not gonna believe this. Holy shit.
MIDGE: What?
SUSIE: The best comedian… I mean, the best fucking comedian in the business… is right over there.
MIDGE: Where?
SUSIE: Right there.
MIDGE: You mean Lenny?
SUSIE: Really? “Lenny,” like you know him?
MIDGE: Yeah.
SUSIE: How the hell do you know Lenny Bruce?
MIDGE: He bailed me out.
SUSIE: Why?
MIDGE: 'Cause I bailed him out.
SUSIE: What the hell? How have I only known you two days?
LENNY: Machine ate my quarters.
MIDGE: You should tell someone.
SUSIE: Er- have one of mine, uh, Lenny, please.
LENNY: Thanks. You got a light?
SUSIE: Uh, sure. ( whispering ) What the fuck?
MIDGE: Susie, this is Lenny. Lenny, Susie.
LENNY: Oh, yeah. From the Gaslight, right?
SUSIE: Yeah, I guess I precede me. My… uh… r-reputation does.
MIDGE: Susie runs the Gaslight, but she does more than that.
SUSIE: Yeah, uh, yeah, I'm-I'm branching out at the moment. I-I got some very big plans in the works. Very big plans.
LENNY: Cool. What plans?
SUSIE: Blank. Second time tonight. I need some coffee. Could… coffee?
LENNY: That looks scary. And familiar.
MIDGE: I have to appear in court.
LENNY: Oh, what's more fun than that? A late-in-life bris, that's more fun.
SUSIE: Uh-uh. Let your manager take care of this. Manager. That's what I blanked on earlier. I'm a manager now.
LENNY: Cool.
SUSIE: I will get you a lawyer.
LENNY! Lawyer talk: my cue to leave.
MIDGE: Thanks again, Lenny, really.
LENNY: Anytime. Oh, hey, I'm introducing a friend's combo at the Vanguard Friday night, you should come by. Uh, both of you.
MIDGE: We'll see.
SUSIE: I will, uh, very seriously consider that, Mr. Bruce. Thank you.
LENNY: See you.
SUSIE: Figures.
MIDGE: What?
SUSIE: You get arrested, you get bailed out by Lenny Bruce. If I got arrested, I'd be bailed out by whatever Village tinker bell has blow job money left over from the night before.
— S1E3
LENNY: Let me explain it to you. Let me explain Jewish and goyish to you. I'll show you how it works. Uh, Gene Ammons is Jewish. Ray Charles is very Jewish. Al Jolson is goyish. The Army is goyish. The Navy is goyish. The Marine Corps is goyish. The Air Force is Jewish. Kool-Aid, goyish. Instant potatoes, scary goyish. There was a thing in Life magazine, there was a picture of this cat. See, he's up in the mountains, a r-rope around him, in this ad for Camel cigarettes. And it's-it's, uh… This is… dig, his name is so goyish, it's beautiful. Bob B-Y-H-R-E. Try to say it. Bob B-Y-H-R-E. Bob Buh? It's so goyish, you can't even say it. Bob Burrre. Now, dig, Bob, it said, “Bob Bhyre, who goes up to the mountains to save people for nothing.” He risks his life to save people for nothing. What Jew would do that? Bob Byhre does it. Now, dig it, uh, these cats behind me, they're just cool. Uh, they just got back from Chicago, opening for Mingus. In fact, I heard he was thinking about packing it in after hearing them. Isn't that right, guys? So, give them a round of applause and don't fake it like you did for me or like your wives do for you. Lindsey Trent and the Hot Three.
( band plays )
LENNY: You actually made it.
MIDGE: I actually did. It's my first jazz club.
LENNY: Oh, mine, too.
— S1E3
BASS PLAYER: Pounder comes up, saying I was all drunk and belligerent.
LENNY: Well, were you?
BASS PLAYER: I wasn't drunk, I was stoned! And we had finished playing for the night.
LINDSEY: What's that have to do with it?
BASS PLAYER: I wasn't belligerent during the set.
SAX PLAYER: Nah, you were just missing notes during the set.
LENNY: Yeah, but it's jazz. Who can tell when you're missing the notes?
LINDSEY: You know, in St. Louis, they pulled me in for spitting.
MIDGE: What?
LINDSEY: Spitting, yeah.
LENNY: Spitting while black is more like it.
LINDSEY: Hell, yeah.
LENNY: I've been hooked seven times.
BASS PLAYER: Seven? What?
LENNY: For talking. In front of people who paid to see me talk!
LINDSEY: Hmm. Seven arrests. Shit, you got me beat.
SAX PLAYER: Yeah, I only got the one.
MIDGE: Two for me.
LINDSEY: We're talking about getting arrested.
MIDGE: Yeah.
LINDSEY: For jaywalking or something?
MIDGE: Profanity. Indecent exposure.
LINDSEY: Shit. Well, much respect, Duchess.
MIDGE: Is this a marijuana joint? Oh, that smell. My college roommate's sock drawer smelled like this. I thought it was some Eastern European potpourri. I hold it in, right?
LENNY: If you can.
SAX PLAYER: No, no, man. This can't be the little man.
LINDSEY: Yeah, six months and counting.
BASS PLAYER: He looks like he can already hold drumsticks.
LINDSEY: He can hold drumsticks. He can hold a radial tire. He's strong, this kid.
LENNY: No cough.
MIDGE: Was I supposed to cough?
LENNY: Not if you can help it.
MIDGE: Excellent.
LENNY: How do you feel?
MIDGE: How do I feel? How do I feel? I'm trying to figure out how I feel. I feel fine. I feel good. So, what do we do? Do we do an activity?
LENNY: Take another hit.
MIDGE: Oh, so cute. Shoot, I coughed.
LENNY: I noticed.
MIDGE: Is this your baby?
SAX PLAYER: He thinks it is.
LINDSEY: Shut up, man.
MIDGE: Oh, so cute.
LINDSEY: You got any of your own?
MIDGE: A boy and a girl.
SAX PLAYER: Yeah, let's see a picture.
MIDGE: Oh.
LINDSEY: This one, man, it's all my wife's doing. I come home every night. It's still breathing. It's a little bit bigger. You know, she does it all and I just roll thunder. She is amazing.
SOUNDMAN: Hey, guys. You're back up.
LINDSEY: Damn. Lenny, go introduce us.
LENNY: Oh, come on. You can't ask me after I've taken five hits off a joint. I can't remember my name.
MIDGE: I'll introduce you. An activity. Yes. Here, hold this.
LINDSEY: Where the hell does she think she's going?
LENNY: I have no idea.
LINDSEY: Anyone got Sen-Sen?
MIDGE: Hi, everybody. Are you ready for some more music? Nice. So, first time at a jazz club, raise your hand. Just me? Wow. Only virgin. Losing my virginity to a bunch of jazz musicians, every Jewish mother's worst nightmare. Anyway, I was outside talking to the guys, and Lindsey here whips out his… wallet. What did you think I was gonna say? His penis? No. That was already out. So, he pulled out a picture of his really cute baby, very adorable, and then somebody asked me if I had kids, and I said yes, and they asked to see a picture, and I realized… I don't have one. I've got two kids. No picture. I've got everything else in the world in my purse. I've got a… look, a-a Diners Club card, a compact; one, two, three lipsticks… three. Two lips, three lipsticks. Nail polish, cigarettes, a corn pad, and a Kotex sanitary belt. It comes in white now, ladies, so rush right out. I mean, if my kids got kidnapped and I had to describe them, I'd have to say, “They look like kids. I-I don't know. The whosit's got a head. The other one's got a… head.” Anyone know this fucker? Dr. Spock. I had never read this, not until my son started doing this really weird thing where I wake up and he's staring at me like he's planning things. And-and I'm thinking, “Well, right now he's small. I can take him, but in a few years…” So, I turned to the expert. And one of the things he says is, “Trust yourself.” You know more than you think you do.“ Are you fucking kidding me? That's his sage advice? “You got this”? Trust me, I don't got this. And now, now I'm thinking, “A,” I could have used the money I spent on this stupid book on a fourth lipstick, and “B,” what if I wasn't supposed to be a mother? What if I picked the wrong profession? If you're afraid of blood, you don't become a surgeon. If you don't like to fly, you don't join Pan Am. I-I can't change my mind and donate my kids to the library, like I'm gonna do with this book. Oh, my God, I'm awful. I mean, women are supposed to be mothers. It's supposed to be natural. It comes with the tits, right? The equipment is pre-installed. I mean, are there exceptions? What if some of us are just supposed to travel a lot? Or run 24-hour diners out in rural areas wearing coveralls? What if some of us are supposed to just talk to adults our entire life? Oh, I never thought about any of this before tonight. Ethan's gonna know. He's gonna look at my face when I get home and figure out he has to accelerate the plan. Fuck. I thought this was supposed to be a fun evening, filled with music and smoking pot with a bunch of strange men in an alley, and instead I'm filled with dread and doubts and I am starving. Why am I starving? Do they serve food here? Is Lenny Bruce boring at home? Like, at home is he all, ( deadpan ) “Have you seen my red socks?” And then he comes on stage and he's all, ( imitating George Macready ) “I'm gonna put a little airplane glue on a rag and fuck, shit, cock, prick.” And are those pretzels? Mmm. Delicious. What?
LENNY: You got to introduce the band.
MIDGE: Oh, shit. Lindsey Trent and the Hot Three.
— S1E3
DRUMMER: Taxi!
LINDSEY: No, the guy's name is Tanner, and it's on Lenox.
LENNY: Right, the guy's Lanner, and it's on Tennox, I got it.
LINDSEY: You got shit. You're going with me.
LENNY: Fine, I'll go with you. Just be gentle. ( to Midge ) Hey, we're going up to an after-hours in Harlem. Do you want to tag along?
MIDGE: Oh, I-I think I'm gonna head home.
LENNY: Okay.
MIDGE: I did pretty good for my first night of freedom.
LENNY: Freedom?
MIDGE: Yeah. My husband left me.
LENNY: Oh, shit.
MIDGE: Yeah. It's, uh…
LENNY: Uh-oh, you need me to be understanding or something? I can pretend to do that.
MIDGE: It is what it is.
LENNY: Here, take this one. We'll grab another.
MIDGE: Thanks.
LINDSEY: Night, Midge.
SAX PLAYER: Night, Midge.
LENNY: For later.
MIDGE: Riverside and 113th.
DRIVER: Sure.
LENNY: See ya, Midge.
MIDGE: Bye, Lenny.
LENNY: Wait, was I supposed to make a pass at you?
— S1E3
LENNY: Oh, you got to be kidding me. Jesus Christ.
SUSIE: Hey, Lenny.
LENNY: It's you?
SUSIE: I'm sorry. They wouldn't let me in without paying.
LENNY: Yes, that's how a business usually operates.
SUSIE: Look, I had to talk to you.
LENNY: Don't you ever send a message to anyone saying, “Your drug dealer is outside.” That could go wrong in so many ways.
SUSIE: Have you heard about this?
LENNY: What?
SUSIE: Look.
LENNY: Sophie Lennon? Yes, yes, I heard. I rejoiced. Sophie Lennon's a hack. Plus, she owes me money. I wrote some jokes for her. Never paid me. Good jokes, too, but she said her audience doesn't know the word “cunnilingus.”
SUSIE: Yeah, well, because of that show, Amanda Gleason has been blackballed.
LENNY: Who's Amanda Gleason?
SUSIE: She's the comic who took down Lennon.
LENNY: Amanda Gleason is a terrible name.
SUSIE: I know. She knows. We all know. The name's not the problem.
LENNY: What's the problem?
SUSIE: The problem is she's been blackballed. She can't get a gig anywhere and I've been blackballed along with her. You understand “blackballed”?
LENNY: I understand blackballed.
SUSIE: So…
LENNY: It's terrible. What do you want from me?
SUSIE: I need you to do a show at the Gaslight.
LENNY: I don't do basket houses anymore. I wear big boy pants now.
SUSIE: Just do this as a favor to me?
LENNY: For you? I don't owe you anything. Now, if you really were my dealer…
SUSIE: Fine. Don't do it for me. Do it for Midge.
LENNY: Midge?
SUSIE: Yeah. Midge.
LENNY: Oh, Midge. Well, well, well. All hail the Upper West Side.
SUSIE: So?
– S1E8

SUSIE: Seriously, the amount of time it takes you to get anywhere…
MIDGE: What's going on here?
SUSIE: Doesn't matter. You got your book?
MIDGE: Got the book.
SUSIE: I need you to be great tonight. No pressure, but I need you to be perfect tonight. No pressure, but if ever there was a night that everything in the world depends on how great and perfect you are, it's tonight. No pres-
MIDGE: Pressure, yeah, I got it. Thanks for taking the pressure off. I thought I wasn't allowed back here.
SUSIE: You're not.
MIDGE: I thought you weren't allowed to give me stage time.
SUSIE: I'm not.
MIDGE: Then what the hell is going…
LENNY: Jesus, you giving out free cars tonight or what?
SUSIE: This is all for you, asshole.
LENNY: Hello, Amanda Gleason.
MIDGE: What are you doing? What is going on here?
LENNY: I am doing what is unheard of in this business. It's called a very nice thing.
MIDGE: Oh, well, then, thank you.
LENNY: Thank Susie. She set this up. Are you going on like that?
MIDGE: Thank you. What? No.
LENNY: Is there gonna be a snowstorm in here?
MIDGE: No.
LENNY: You keepin' it clean for the Hasids?
MIDGE: It's coming off. It's coming off.
LENNY: Why did you put a bracelet on with gloves? Do you need to make life harder than it already is?
MIDGE: Hey, I’m ready for that [indecipherable], so I think that starts now.
LENNY: That’s correct. Tonight, I [indecipherable] hat stand [indecipherable].
SUSIE: I told him about Sophie Lennon.
MIDGE: Susie…
LENNY: She did. She shoved a paper in my face that claims you took on goliath, and for that, you must be rewarded. Even though I am [indecipherable] jealous that it was not me holding the slingshot, I am here. [indecipherable], yes?
MIDGE: Yes, please yes.
LENNY: Okay. So, I'm going up there to do a set, for nothing. I'm going to say, “Hello, blah, blah, blah,” and then I'm gonna hand the mic off to you. The only thing I ask– no, demand– I am not introducing you as Amanda Gleason. You've got to find a better fucking name.
MIDGE: Way ahead of you.
SUSIE: Okay. You ready?
MIDGE: I…
SUSIE: Sure you are.
MIDGE: How did you do this?
SUSIE: Lots of perverted sex acts. I'll have skinned knees for a month. Wow.
MIDGE: Good look?
SUSIE: The look.
JACKIE: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, I can't believe these words are coming out of my mouth, but here I go. Welcome to the stage, Lenny Bruce!
LENNY: Good evening, ladies, gentlemen, and all the undecided. I'm your host for the evening. Now, I have promised the powers that be that I will perform my little dog and pony show for all you fine people, but, before I do, I have a favor to ask. I have a friend who's been going through some of the same shit that I've gone through lately, and I don't want to get on a rant here, but Stalin would be very proud. So, indulge me, because I think she's going to be very big and she's a hell of a lot easier on the eyes than I am. Please welcome to the stage, a very classy lady, my friend… I'm actually gonna let her introduce herself to you. Okay. Get up here.
MIDGE: Susie…
SUSIE: Go show 'em how it's done.
MIDGE: Thank you. Hi! Thank you. Wow, so nice, considering you thought you were here to see Lenny Bruce, and instead, you have to listen to me for a while. I promise to insult the Pope and read you my court documents before the evening is over. So, let's see, what can I talk about? Going through a pretty dull time in my life. Oh! My husband's girlfriend attacked me at work yesterday. You know what that's like, huh, ladies? Really? No one? Oh, good, then you'll love this. So, my husband left me three months ago for his teenage secretary. However, the other night he came home… for some clean underwear and a fuck. Actually, just for the underwear. I threw in the fuck for free. Anyhow, Lolita found out and, boy, was she steamed. She couldn't believe I'd have the nerve to sleep with my husband. She thought that was mean. And vindictive. And she has a point. After all, she has a teddy bear he won for her at Coney Island. All I've got is a wedding ring and two kids who called him “Daddy.” Who cares if I was there first, this girl put a lot of work into luring him away. I mean, she had to… have a vagina. Pretty low bar. But pretty high vagina. She's tall. And dumb. I mean, she's pretty, but I'm pretty sure NASA doesn't have her on its short list for job openings. Anyhow, yesterday she drags her giant vagina into my work and starts yelling at me. And after a while, I start yelling back. And she's saying, “You stole him,” and I'm saying, “I was there first.” And she says, “I was there second,” and I say, “That's a very immature argument,” and she says, “Do you want to buy some Girl Scout cookies?” And I say, “No,” and she says, “You're sure?” And I say “Do you have vanilla creams?” And she says, “No,” and I said, “You bitch!” And everyone in the store is staring, and I'm starting to wonder, who's right here? I mean, was it really fair to lure Joel back with the promise of coherent conversation and unlimited clean jockey shorts? I just assumed I had that right. I really thought you find a guy, you give it up, you get married. Oh, no, wait. You get married, then you give it up. Get married, then give it up. I got to write that down. Anyhow, my point is, with the ring came the sex. Exclusive sex. Right? Something to count on. Something you know is yours. Like a social security number or a family history of insanity. But apparently, it's not. He left. She took him. Did I relinquish my rights when he walked out the door? Is that how it works? Now, did it always work that way and I just didn't read the fine print? What are the fucking rules? I mean, not the fucking rules, the “fucking” rules. Who gets first “fucking” rights? Is it first come, first serve? Finders keepers… losers eventually go blind? Shouldn’t there be some kind of “fucking rules” handbook that they give to every bride on the wedding day? Shove it in a copy of “The Joy of Cooking,” right in between poaching eggs and cooking a squirrel. Why do women know how to cook a squirrel, but not who gets to fuck her husband? That seems insane. A girl’s life is a litany of rules. My first memory of my mother is her telling me “don’t eat with your mouth open,” followed by “don’t eat.” Don’t get fat, you’ll never get a boyfriend. Don’t talk too loud, you’ll never get a husband. Keep your knees closed when you sit, be polite. Never leave the house without [indecipherable]. Always wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident and you have to go to the hospital. What will the doctor think? “My god, look at this underwear, let her die!” You know exactly what I’m talking about. Your purse matches your shoes, doesn’t it? Yes, that’s a big rule. All of these rules they teach us… What to do when your husband cheats, leaves, and comes back? Eh, wing it! And how come men seem to get a completely different set of rules to follow?
DRUNK GUY: Hey! Hey, go home and clean the kitchen!
MIDGE: Oh, sir, I'm Jewish. I pay people to do that.
DRUNK GUY: Women aren't funny.
MIDGE: Your wife must have a sense of humor. She's seen you naked. I'm sorry. I thought we were truth telling.
DRUNK GUY: You're a dumb bitch.
MIDGE: Oh, who told you? What can I say? All the good men are taken, ladies. Now, where were we?
– S1E8

MIDGE: But if we didn't have our husbands, what would we have to talk about? You have been a great audience, ladies and gentlemen. That's it for me. My name is Mrs. Maisel. Thank you and goodnight! ( to Lenny ) It worked! They loved it! I was great! Wasn't I great?
LENNY: My God, the arrogance. I've created a monster. You're Norman Mailer in a cocktail dress.
MIDGE: Okay, fine, I'm sorry. Just tell me, was it good?
LENNY: Oh, come on, you don't need me to say it, do you?
JACKIE: Okay, you're up.
LENNY: I'm not going on after that. Are you kidding me?
MIDGE: You afraid to follow a girl?
LENNY: Always and everywhere.
JACKIE: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, the reason why we're here tonight, I give you, Lenny Bruce!
LENNY: Will Elizabeth Taylor become Bar Mitzvah'ed? Ha! No, I promise continuity, I'll behave myself. I'll do all the lines that we rehearsed. That's the thing, you know, I have a, uh, reputation for being sort of controversial and irreverent and… and also the semantic bear trap of bad taste. And actually I do have and… and always will be accused of bad taste by the people who eat in restaurants to reserve service, you know, that kind of scene. Yeah. But you might be interested in how I became offensive. Like, it started in school, uh, with, um… drinking, and, uh, I was… Really, I was, like, this real depressed kid, you know. And, uh, seven or eight years old, and I'd get really juiced and out of my head, and… Yeah, yeah, so the teacher would really get bummed, you know, with me singing and carrying on and calling Columbus a fink… and… and boosting Aaron Burr, and then smoking. See, I don't know if you can see this, but I have this tattoo. Can you see that? Uh, see, I started smoking Marlboros when I was six, [indecipherable]. I “offend”. There's a funny word, there's some [indecipherable]. There are words, uh, that offend me. Uh… segregation, [indecipherable], night-time television, er- some night-time television. Uh, except for there's this one guy, uh, dig, uh, [indecipherable] he's on the west coast. He had a story about these kids, eight and nine year old. Uh, see, I started smoking Marlboros when I was six, [indecipherable] grew up.
— S2E1
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the one, the only Lenny Bruce!
LENNY: Ha! All right. Now, Sunday, Christ and Moses fly to New York, transcontinental. $88 to Chicago, $35 to bet. All right. Let's see, they'd say, uh, “Oh, what's playing at Saint Pat's? Oh, good double-bill, Spellman and Sheen. Nice one. ♪ Mr. Spellman, and Mr. Sheen, da da-da-da-da da da-da da-da ♪” All right. Now, Christ and Moses both possessed humility. Why? Wisdom. That's it. Anybody who is secure, there's never any hostility 'cause he's cool. So they just stand there, in the back of St. Patrick's, and they'd listen, look around. Cardinal Spellman would be relating love and giving and forgiveness to the people. And Christ would be confused… because their route took them through Spanish Harlem and he would wonder what 40 Puerto Ricans were doing living in one room and this guy had a ring on that was worth eight grand. And he'd wonder at the grandeur. “So why aren't the Puerto Ricans living here? It's clean and nice and what does it all mean?” And maybe Bishop Sheen would see them in the back there, and he would run up to Spellman on the lectern. “Psst, I want to talk to you a minute.” “What is it?” “What is it? Oh, you're never gonna guess who's here.” “Who's here?” “You're not gonna believe me, you're gonna think I've been drinking.” “All right, who's here?” “Christ and Moses.” “Are you putting me on, now?” “I'm telling you they're here.” “Are you sure it's them?” “Well, I've only seen them in pictures, but I'm pretty sure it's them. Moses is a ringer for Charlton Heston, and, uh, I'm sure.” “Where are they standing?” “In the back. Don't look now, you idiot. They can see us.” “All right, give me a direct line to Rome, quickly. Hello? John, it's Fran in New York. Yes, uh, listen. A couple of kids dropped in, and, uh, uh, well, you know them. Uh, one kid is, uh, well, he's… I'll… ♪ With a cross of bop-bop… ♪ No, not Zoro. Him. That's right. He brought a very attractive Jewish boy with him. Well, you got to do something. I… No. Well, put him up at your place. Huh? Yeah, they're in the back. The… way in the back. Of course they're white.” … my lawyer gives me a thumbs-up. Thank you, good night.
MIDGE: So?
BENJAMIN: So what?
MIDGE: You just saw Lenny Bruce. What did you think?
BENJAMIN: Funny. And he didn't spit once.
MIDGE: He's brilliant. He gets arrested for the things he says. Can you imagine? Arresting a comedian.
BENJAMIN: Anyone who makes people think for themselves is very dangerous.
MIDGE: Deep.
BENJAMIN: I am very deep. And on call. I have to check in with the hospital. You'll excuse me a minute?
MIDGE: Yep.
BENJAMIN: Order me another one of these?
LENNY: You threw something at my head!
MIDGE: It was an olive.
LENNY: You threw an olive at my head! I don't know if you've heard, but I've become very litigious.
MIDGE: You were great.
LENNY: Well, it happens. Did I know you were coming tonight?
MIDGE: You didn't get my homing pigeon?
LENNY: Oh, that's right. It's nice to see you.
MIDGE: Nice to see you, too. You look good.
LENNY: Well, I clean up nice.
MIDGE: How are you?
LENNY: Out on bail.
MIDGE: No, seriously.
LENNY: No, seriously. I am out on bail. How are you? You working?
MIDGE: I've been doing some gigs here and there. Right now I'm up in the Catskills.
LENNY: Borscht Belt, huh? You know, what, uh, resorts are you playing?
MIDGE: Steiner, but I'm not working there, I'm with my family.
LENNY: Voluntarily?
MIDGE: Yep. We go every year.
LENNY: Well, that sounds terrible.
MIDGE: Yeah…
LENNY: I'm noticing more than one glass here.
MIDGE: I'm with someone.
LENNY: A date?
MIDGE: Possibly. Jury's still out.
LENNY: What, where is he, this date?
MIDGE: He had to check in. He's on call.
LENNY: You're kidding. You went to the Catskills and you bagged yourself a doctor? Your parents must be kvelling.
MIDGE: I haven't bagged him. One date.
LENNY: Does he know?
MIDGE: Know what?
LENNY: That you've been corrupted. Lured to the dark side of the microphone.
MIDGE: One date.
LENNY: Do you really think you can go back to making Jell-O molds again?
MIDGE: Uh, I don't know. I make a hell of a Jell-O mold.
LENNY: I bet you do. Oh, well, I bet he's a very nice man and that he'll remember to bring in the barrels like clockwork.
MIDGE: Everyone alive?
BENJAMIN: Everyone who owes me money, yes.
LENNY: Hello, Doctor.
MIDGE: Benjamin Ettenberg, meet Lenny Bruce.
BENJAMIN: Hello. I enjoyed your act.
LENNY: Ah. That was no act. All right. I have to be going. It was nice to meet you, Benjamin. Uh, this table is on me. Buy her a soda. And have her home by 10:00. ( Mouths ) He’s gorgeous!
— S2E5
MIDGE: Two comics walk into a bar…
LENNY: And neither one has any money to pay for the drinks.
MIDGE: Ah, shit, you've heard it before.
LENNY: What are you doing in this despicable place?
MIDGE: Sulking. I was just yanked from the stage mid-set and thrown out of the club.
LENNY: What did you say?
MIDGE: “Pregnant.”
LENNY: Oh, well, then you had it coming.
MIDGE: I wasn't even dirty. That dirty. I wasn't any dirtier than I usually am, and this asshоlе literally pushed me off the stage because I was talking about my best friend having a baby.
LENNY: Well, you know I like you. And, normally, I would do everything in my power to make you feel better. However, tonight, I am feeling very sorry for myself, so all of my sympathy is reserved for me.
MIDGE: What's the matter?
LENNY: We can now add Chicago to the list of places that have a warrant out for my arrest.
MIDGE: What did you say?
LENNY: I talked about your friend having a baby. And the Pope fսcking a three-legged duck. And interracial dating. And what does Marilyn Maxwell possibly see in Bob Hope.
MIDGE: That's what they got you for. The man is a national treasure.
LENNY: At this rate, the only place I'm gonna be able to work is Wyoming, and who knows what the people of Wyoming will do at the sight of their first Jew.
MIDGE: Hey, drink your drink.
LENNY: That wasn't my drink. But it did help. Thanks. I'm tired. I'm getting tired.
MIDGE: Yeah. I know what you mean.
LENNY: Sometimes, I think, “Is it worth it?”
MIDGE: And, sometimes, I think, “No.”
LENNY: I'm Sisyphus, without the fabulous hair and the loincloth, pushing that boulder up that hill over and over and over.
MIDGE: Try it in heels.
LENNY: I'm working to pay all the lawyers. I'm broke. I gave up my apartment, sold my car. Well, I think it was my car. But, either way, it's gone.
MIDGE: Do you need some money? I could ask my father for a loan.
LENNY: Thank you. Thank your father, but I am very capable of running out on a bill like a grown-up.
MIDGE: It's going to be okay.
LENNY: Is it?
MIDGE: Yes.
LENNY: There is a little silver lining. Steve Allen gave me a spot on his show.
MIDGE: That's a pretty big silver lining, mister!
LENNY: He's giving me a chance to prove that I can play nice with the other kids. Make myself presentable again.
MIDGE: That's great.
LENNY: Yes. Yes, it is.
MIDGE: First time I took my son Ethan for a playdate with other kids, he was so nervous that I promised to stand outside the whole time in case he wanted to leave. He didn't. It rained. Want me to come stand outside your playdate?
LENNY: You are lovely. Yes, a little moral support never hurts.
MIDGE: Okay.
LENNY: I want you to know that I am feeling a little emasculated right now. I don't really mind it, actually. Sunday night. 8:00. Bring an umbrella.
— S2E10
STEVE: We've decided that once a month, we will book a comedian who will offend everyone. Fair enough? All right.
MIDGE: He knows I'm coming.
PERRY: It doesn't matter.
MIDGE: He knows I'm coming.
PERRY: You're not on the list.
MIDGE: He knows I'm coming.
PERRY: He didn't leave a name.
MIDGE: He knows I'm coming. Lenny!
LENNY: It's all right, Perry. She's my mother.
MIDGE: You didn't leave my name. Perry's having a heart attack.
LENNY: I'm very sorry, Perry. It won't happen again.
PERRY: People's names are supposed to be on the list. That's how it works.
LENNY: There goes the next president of the United States.
MIDGE: Never mind him. Let me look at you. Good suit. Nice tie. Hair's fine.
PERRY: Get ready for your intro. Only he goes onstage.
MIDGE: Hmm, Perry knows me better than I thought.
STEVE: Now, ladies and gentlemen, here is a very shocking comedian, the most shocking comedian of our time. A young man who is skyrocketing to fame, Lenny Bruce!
MIDGE: Tіts up.
LENNY: Thanks. You'll explain that when I get back?
MIDGE: Yes, I will.
LENNY: Will Elizabeth Taylor become Bar Mitzvah'ed? Ha! No, I promise continuity. I'll do all the lines that we rehearsed. And actually, I do have, and- and always will be accused of bad taste. Ha! Yeah. But there is another side to my nature… uh, the aesthetic side. Uh, Clyde Beatty. Ha! And I'm going to, uh… Oh, did you dig that?
STEVE: Yeah.
LENNY: Oh, I'm so happy. And I'm going to write a musical, uh, with Steve Allen. And it's sort of a nice kind of thing. And it's about a couple, and if you've been married, you know, or are now, you know the scene that happens. You have a million beefs with your old lady, and you break up, then you go back together again. But this couple in the play, they're a little eccentric, and they've broken up and gone back about 55 times, in seven years. But they keep going back for the kids' sake. So, finally, they go to a marriage counselor, it opens up, and they're together, and they're happy, without one argument. But the kids are complete nuts, 'cause they were so adjusted to that scene… you know, breaking up and going back together… that it's been too much for them. So, they decide, for the kids' sake, to break up. And in the scene, Steve, like, you know, he's my friend, and we're hanging out together, and, uh, he's got the first line.
STEVE: All right. Hey Lenny, where's your old lady?
LENNY: Oh, we had a beef, man. We broke up.
STEVE: Oh, that's too bad. But don't worry, you'll get back together.
LENNY: No, that's it, you know? You have a million fights, and finally you decide that's the one. You've had it, you know? And I finally got the guts, and I got rid of her. I don't believe it, man, but I finally did it. I finally got rid of her.
STEVE: How'd you do that?
LENNY: She left me. But it's better off, man. You're better off alone. I'm really gonna swing. I'm gonna fix up my own pad. That's it. I can really fix up a pad. I'm gonna really get some of that shiny black furniture. And I'll get a bullfight poster. And I'll get a coffee table, and I'll make a door out of it. And I'll just really swing, and it'll just be nice. And I'll get a satin smoking jacket and a pearl white phone, and I'll sit back and relax, and finally I'll be all alone, man. That's the best way to make it. All alone. All alone. ♪ All alone. All alone. Oh, a joy to be all alone. I'm happy alone, don't you see? I've convinced you. All alone. All alone. Like a nearsighted dog, where's the bone? Ah, but it's better… to be all alone. No more taking out the garbage, hear her yakking on the phone, I gave her everything. Even my mother's ring. But to me she was so petty ♪ Sometimes I wish that she were dead. But it'd probably take her two hours to get ready. When she's old, then she's gonna be sorry. That's it. Like, she's young and swinging now, and she can get a lot of guys, but when she's old… I can see, about 20 years from now. “Oh, how you doing, Annie? Yeah, haven't seen you in a long time. You look pretty good, baby. You still washing your hair with Dutch cleanser, I see. Yeah. Yeah, you look pretty good. You gained a few pounds. What happened to your neck? Yeah. I heard you got married a few times. Uh, me? No, I, uh, I've always stayed single. I've… I've been investing in property. I picked up a little place in Mexico. Maybe you've heard of it. It's called Acapulco. Where are you living? A furnished room? Oh, that's nice. Yeah, you cook on the radiator, the paper drapes. Sit in the lobby, watch television and all that, yeah. That's cool, yeah. You have the Diners Club, you sign for it. You go first class in those joints, I know that, yeah.” That's it. Her future spells a murky gloom. I'll be rich and famous, and she'll be living in a furnished room. But it's gonna be too late. I won't hear her moan. I'll be living in my Nob Hill mansion, rich… and all alone. ♪ All alone. All alone. I'll be rich… But so… All… Alone. ♪
— S2E10
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Lenny Bruce!
LENNY: Thank you. Oh, that's a very nice welcome. Uh, did any of you happen to catch me on The Steve Allen Show? Yeah. I cleaned up very nicely, if I do say so myself. I, uh… I sang a little song, I offended no one. You see, often I am billed at nightclubs with a sign that says, “For Adults Only.” I am very interested in the motivation for that billing. I must assume that “for adults only” means that my point of view would be a deterrent to the development of a well-adjusted member of the community. See, the argument is a child will ape the actions of an actor. What he sees now in his formative years, he may do as an adult, so then we must be very careful what we let the child see. So then I would rather my kid see a stag film than The Ten Commandments or The King of Kings, because I don't want my kids to kill Christ when he comes back! Well, that's what they see in those pictures… that violence. Well, let me just take your kids to a dirty movie then. All right kids, uh, sit down now, the picture's about to start. Oh, it's not like Psycho, with lots of four-letter words, like, “kill” and “maim” and “hurt.” No, it's a dirty movie. Okay. A couple is coming in now, and, uh… Oh. The guy is picking up the pillow. Oh, he'll probably smother her with it, that'll be a good opening. Oh, the degenerate, he's putting it under her ass! Jesus! Oh, I hate to show this crap to you kids. Uh… Oh, right, now he's raising his hand. He'll probably strike her, and, uh… Nope, he's caressing her and kissing her. Oh, this is disgusting! All right, now he's kissing her some more, and, uh… Oh, she's saying something. Uh, she'll probably scream at him, “Get out of here!” No, no, she's saying, “I love you. I'm coming.” Oh, kids, I'm sorry that I had to show you anything like this! God knows it'll be on my conscience for the rest of my life! I never did see one stag film where anyone got killed in the end, or even slapped in the mouth, or where there was any Communist propaganda. Aha… I can tell from the body language the police think the show's about to get interesting. Did you see me on Steve Allen? No. Ah, well. That's too bad, you would've liked it. Uh… Okay, so I want to point out the “God made the body” paradox of the decent people who would object to this, uh, groovy-looking chick. Now, if I'm dressing, and I see that chick there, Miss September, across the way, I'm gonna look.
PELUSO: That's it, Bruce.
LENNY: But, see, in our society, it's pull down the shade and charge two bucks to get in.
PELUSO: Let's go, now.
LENNY: That's what repression does. The obscenity law, when everything else boils away, is does it appeal to the prurient interest? Well, I want to know what's wrong with appealing to the prurient interest! No, I really want the Supreme Court to stand up and tell me that fսcking is dirty and no good! All right, I'm coming. I'm coming. You actually let me get a lot farther that time, thank you.
PELUSO: Yeah, let's go.
LENNY: Here, you take it.
ABE: A-Are they arresting him? Wait, are you arresting him?
PELUSO: Sit down, sir.
ABE: B-B-But you-you can't do that. He-He's just talking.
PELUSO: I mean it.
ABE: Well, look, I understand you don't like it. I don't either, really. It was obscene, repulsive, that girl was clearly very cold. Who wants to see that? But that's not really for you to decide, is it?
LENNY: Listen to the man, he's wearing two sweaters.
PELUSO: I'm telling you for the last time, sir, sit down.
ABE: I won't sit down! I don't have to sit down. I have the right to stand, don't I? Wh-What, I-is standing and talking illegal now? Or just standing?
PELUSO: Okay, you want to come, too?
ABE: Right. How about leaning? Where do you land on leaning?
— S3E1
ABE: Gandhi went to jail. Galileo died under house arrest. Emma Goldman was deported.
LENNY: I just tell jokes, man, that's all.
ABE: You misspoke, though.
LENNY: I'm sorry?
ABE: You called the woman Miss September. She was Miss December.
LENNY: Oh, yeah?
ABE: Yeah. There was a wreath in the lower left corner. I think you still made your point, though. The flowers were very nice, by the way.
— S3E1
LENNY: You bailed me out?
ABE: Yes. Well, she…
ROSE: I bailed you out.
LENNY: Okay… Thanks.
ABE: I thanked him for the flowers.
— S3E1
MIDGE: Miguel, is this funny? “This humidity in Florida is so unrelenting, even my mother thinks it should calm down.”
MIGUEL: No.
MIDGE: Really, take your time. One more. And one for yourself. It'll seem funnier then.
ANDY: Good book?
MIDGE: Not yet.
ANDY: Can I buy you a drink?
MIDGE: Got one coming.
ANDY: Put it on my tab.
MIDGE: Oh, no thank you. Very sweet, but I'm working.
ANDY: Really? Working? Well, this hotel certainly draws a nicer class of working girls.
MIDGE: Yeah, look, Mom, I'm not a hοοker. I'm working on my act, and I can pay for my own drink.
ANDY: Okay. Modern woman. Maybe I should just keep you company so no other man makes the mistake I just did.
MIDGE: I appreciate you wanting to be the savior of my reputation, but I'm busy writing dіck jokes, so if you don't mind…
LENNY: Number three really paints a picture.
MIDGE: What on earth are you doing here?
LENNY: I am living here.
MIDGE: In Florida?
LENNY: At some point, every Jew must live in Florida. It's in the Torah.
MIDGE: Wow. You know, it's weird, I never picture you living anywhere. You just exist.
LENNY: Well, sorry to disappoint you, but I do live places, and right now, it's here. I got a key, I get mail, I wear an apron.
MIDGE: Must go good with that tie.
LENNY: I heard Shy was in town, so I thought I would stop by and say hello. Hello. Good-bye.
MIDGE: You want to sit?
LENNY: 3:00 in the afternoon… a pen, a notebook and a drink. All you need is a social disease, and you are officially a road comic. How long are you in town?
MIDGE: Two frizz-filled weeks.
LENNY: Good. I am heading out of town for a couple of days to make some money.
MIDGE: Ah.
LENNY: Apparently, “alimony” means “money.”
MIDGE: I did not know that.
LENNY: When I get back, we should grab a drink.
MIDGE: I would love that.
LENNY: I will give you a ring. I was serious about number three. The comparison to William Frawley is particularly inspired.
MIDGE: Hmm.
— S3E5
MIDGE: I thought you were gonna call when you got back.
LENNY: I opted for a sneak attack.
MIDGE: There's a lot of that going around. Gin martini, up, with olives. You should have seen my set.
LENNY: I saw your set.
MIDGE: You did? How was I?
LENNY: Wow. Just like that? I usually start with some small talk. How have you been? Who's got gout?
MIDGE: Nope. Life's short. Talk about me.
YOUNG FAN: Excuse me, Mr. Bruce?
LENNY: Uh, Mr. Bruce is my mother. “Lenny,” please.
YOUNG FAN: Could I get…?
LENNY: You want hers?
YOUNG FAN: That's okay.
LENNY: That's showbiz.
YOUNG FAN: Thanks.
LENNY: I am very famous and important.
MIDGE: Yes. We were talking about me, remember?
LENNY: I do. Uh, what are you doing tonight?
MIDGE: Listening to you critique my act.
LENNY: I have a proposition for you. I have a work thing I have to do, but I was thinking, tag along, you might find it interesting.
MIDGE: Could I work it into my act? The one you liked? Or didn't like?
LENNY: Afterward, I'll buy you dinner. Deal?
MIDGE: Deal.
LENNY: You ready to go?
MIDGE: I have to change. Ten minutes. And then you'll tell me what you thought about my act.
LENNY: Depends on how good the outfit is.
— S3E5
MIDGE: Oh, how fabulous. Cameras in your living room.
GENE: Mr. Bruce.
MIDGE: Oh, no. Mr. Bruce is his mother.
LENNY: Very good. Yes, hello there. Lenny Bruce reporting for duty.
GENE: You're late.
LENNY: Well, I'm here. That's early for me. Uh, this is Midge Maisel. She's going to watch. Yes?
GENE: Of course. Uh, follow me.
LENNY: One hour, then I'll feed you.
MIDGE: I'm starting my stopwatch.
GENE: Brian, please get Miss Maisel situated.
MIDGE: I'm actually Mrs. Maisel.
BRIAN: Oh. You're married.
MIDGE: No. Well… yes. I'm getting divorced. Again. From the same man. But Mrs. Maisel's also my stage name, so I'll…
BRIAN: Sit here.
MIDGE: Okay. I'll finish the story later. You were clearly on the edge of your seat.
GENE: He'll do the intros, throw it to Jem, then you're next. You sit here. We'll get you a drink. Later on you'll be joined by Bella Abzug and Zsa Zsa Gabor.
LENNY: That can't end badly at all. Uh, thank you. ( to Midge ) You'll spoil your dinner.
GENE: Places, everyone. Places.
WOMAN: That’s places, everyone. Ladies, on either side of Mr. Bruce.
GENE: We go live in 20 seconds. Five, four, three, two…
BRYE: Hello there. Welcome to Miami's hippest party, Miami After Dark. A gathering of the best, the brightest, the coolest cats and kittens in town. Grab a drink. Jem.
JEM: Hello, Brye. Good turnout.
BRYE: This is Jem Moreland. He's composed some of the most beloved songs of all time. How old were you when you wrote your first hit, Jem?
JEM: 18, Brye.
BRYE: 18. Boy, oh, boy. What was I doing at 18?
JEM: All the things I wished I was doing at 18. I wasn't, and that's why I wrote my first hit.
BRYE: Well, ladies like a success.
JEM: And a love song.
BRYE: Speaking of which, you have a new one coming out soon.
JEM: I do. It was just recorded by Mr. Frank Sinatra. And, uh, it goes a little something… like this. Three, four. ♪ Who knew one kiss, could kick like this? As smooth as a whiskey, and served up neat. That kiss was fine, but make mine, a double. One taste of that, and you've knocked me flat. Just like a Manhattan, but twice as sweet. Those lips to mine… ♪
BRYE: Marge, I'll get back to you in a minute.
JEM: ♪ … Make mine a double… ♪
BRYE: Marjorie Merriweather Post. You should see her house. Mar-a-Iago is as elegant as she is. Hello, girls. Having fun?
GIRLS: ( simultaneous ) Yeah.
BRYE: Okay. You all know notorious comedian Lenny Bruce. You enjoying the party?
LENNY: Not bad. Uh, well, Zsa Zsa just won 20 bucks off me. She plays a mean game of truth or dare. A-And a very adult version of hide-and-seek. If I ever need to get drսgs to Mexico, I know who to call.
BRYE: I wonder if I can get a drink.
LENNY: Well, I'd give you mine, but Zsa Zsa drank it. Like a really sexy camel.
ZSA ZSA: Careful, Lenny. Or I'll marry you.
LENNY: Ho-ho.
BRYE: Oh, great. Thank you. I think she likes you.
LENNY: She's just never seen a circumcised schmeckle before. Uh, but actually, Brye, I'm here with someone special tonight. Someone I love dearly, almost as much as I love myself. Uh… uh, sweetheart? Where are… Ah, there you are. Ha ha.
BRYE: Lenny… Looks like we have a wandering Mr. Bruce.
MIDGE: What are you doing?
LENNY: Well, it's time everybody knows, don't you think?
MIDGE: Uh, I need to powder things.
LENNY: What is on your hands?
MIDGE: Frosting.
LENNY: Other hand, other hand.
BRYE: Oh, he's back. Well, who have we here?
LENNY: Brye, I'd like you to meet my wife… o- or possibly my sister. What are you, my wife or my sister?
MIDGE: Depends on what state we're in.
LENNY: Let's go wife. What the hell?
BRYE: Well, it's nice to meet you, whoever you are.
MIDGE: It's nice to meet you, too.
LENNY: She's a very big fan. She called in sick to work tonight just to be here.
BRYE: Oh? What do you do?
MIDGE: I'm a Mountie.
LENNY: Yes, she's very good with horses.
MIDGE: And moose.
LENNY: And squirrel.
BRYE: A female Mountie? I didn't know there were female Mounties.
MIDGE: Are you kidding? Have you seen the hats? There's only female Mounties.
BRYE: So, how long have you two been married and/or related?
MIDGE: Oh, it's been six…
LENNY: Uh, seven. You forgot our time at sea.
MIDGE: Yes, lost at sea. I almost killed you and ate you.
LENNY: But then we remembered fish.
MIDGE: Seven fun-filled years-
LENNY: -Weeks. We gotta rehearse this next time.
BRYE: Well, you make a very handsome couple.
LENNY: Oh, well, we get our looks from our mother.
MIDGE: Ooh! They just put out some new onion dip, and I heard Betty Bacall is a notorious double-dipper. I've got to go.
BRYE: Well, it was nice to meet you…
LENNY: Rhoda-
MIDGE: -Scheherazade.
LENNY: Ha!
MIDGE: Scheherazade Rhoda Maisel. Quite a culturally confusing mouthful.
BRYE: Great girl.
LENNY: Well, you should see her rob a liquor store. Hey, that's Tennessee Williams. Tennessee!
TENNESSEE: Screw you, Bruce.
LENNY: Tenn, my God, what's with the hostility?
TENNESSEE: You know very well, you son of a bitch!
LENNY: Hey, what happened to the Southern gentlemen bit?
TENNESSEE: I'm not talking to you.
LENNY: Why? What did I do?
TENNESSEE: You're a prick.
BRYE: Now, watch it, boys. We're live here.
LENNY: Did I tease you? Did I call you names? Did I get drunk and say The Rose Tattoo was a piece of overwrought, substandard melodrama?
TENNESSEE: What?
LENNY: I said I was drunk.
TENNESSEE: I should come over there and just kill you.
LENNY: Tenn, I'm sorry, please.
TENNESSEE: You're not. You're an ugly, lowlife, mean-spirited bastard.
LENNY: Always with the poetry.
TENNESSEE: You hate me 'cause I'm Southern.
LENNY: Well, it's not my favorite thing about you.
TENNESSEE: Go away!
LENNY: I don't believe this. This is nuts. I'm having a fight with Tennessee Williams on the television. Brye, this is a great show.
MIDGE: Sure as hell is!
— S3E5
MIDGE: You're staring.
LENNY: Am I?
MIDGE: Do I have a hair out of place?
LENNY: I didn't know how to tell you. What do you think?
MIDGE: I just wish it had a little more atmosphere. You're still staring.
LENNY: So are you. Come on. We're gonna dance.
MIDGE: You dance?
LENNY: Well, we're certainly gonna find out.
— S3E5
LENNY: What's the matter? I'm not that bad.
MIDGE: I just can't think of anything funny to say.
LENNY: Yeah. Me, either. It's kind of nice, isn't it?
— S3E5
MIDGE: I really thought if we stayed long enough, there'd be a human sacrifice.
LENNY: Oh, no, that's on Wednesdays.
MIDGE: Well, we'll just have to go back.
LENNY: Anytime you like.
MIDGE: I had a good time.
LENNY: That was the intent. Here. Last puff.
MIDGE: Such a gentleman. Is this your apartment building?
LENNY: Uh, no, this is my hotel.
MIDGE: I thought you said you lived here now.
LENNY: I do.
MIDGE: In a hotel?
LENNY: Yes.
MIDGE: You're living in a hotel? Who are you, Willy Loman?
LENNY: Hey, this is a very nice hotel. I've got a pool. They bring me towels. The little soaps are adorable.
MIDGE: But it's not permanent.
LENNY: I didn't say permanent. I said I got mail.
MIDGE: I just assumed when you said you lived in Florida that you meant you had an apartment.
LENNY: Does it matter?
MIDGE: No. No, it doesn't.
LENNY: You like a man who has a lease.
MIDGE: Depends on the man. Depends on the lease.
LENNY: I'm paid up through Friday.
MIDGE: Oh, it's nice being on the water.
LENNY: Where are you living, by the way?
MIDGE: I'm not actually living anywhere. Well, I'm on tour now, so I live wherever the tour is, and when I get back, I'll have to find a place. I suppose I can stay at my in-laws'. Well, ex-in-laws'. My parents are there now. Well, no. They're actually here now since they can't stand them, so I probably can't live there, either.
LENNY: A hotel's looking pretty good to you right now, isn't it?
MIDGE: ( shrugs, laughs )
LENNY: All right, this is me.
MIDGE: Nice, shiny number three.
LENNY: Yes. Uh, it was actually 13, but the one fell off.
MIDGE: If you lived in an apartment, you could call the super about that.
LENNY: And what would he do?
MIDGE: Nothing. But you'd have somebody to call.
LENNY: Key.
MIDGE: Ah. And it works.
LENNY: Yes. The evening is going swimmingly so far.
MIDGE: So, what did you think of my act?
LENNY: I thought it was sensational.
MIDGE: Thank you. I'm gonna get a cab.
LENNY: I can get you one.
MIDGE: I'm okay. Catch.
LENNY: Hey… Maybe someday? Before I'm dead.
MIDGE: It's a date.
— S3E5
MIDGE: Boise, Boise, Boise, I can't memorize all that! Write it down for me.
LENNY: I thought I recognized that unique combination of lilt and intensity.
MIDGE: What the hell are you doing here?
LENNY: Oh, well, I hate to steal your line, but what the hell are you doing here?
MIDGE: You have to leave. I'm about to go on.
LENNY: Oh, shit. Are you stripping now? I knew the Shy Baldwin thing was tough, but there's nicer places.
MIDGE: I'm the comic.
LENNY: Here?
MIDGE: Yes. And I'm about to go on. And I am still honing and experimenting, so… go away.
LENNY: You want me to go away?
MIDGE: Yes.
LENNY: Because I would make you nervous.
MIDGE: You would make me nervous. Don't smile. Bad smile.
LENNY: I got a story for you. Back in high school… Mepham High in Bellmore, out on Long Island… I took this speech class. Uh, one day, the teacher stands me up in front of everybody and gives me a topic. Zoos. Are they good or bad? Some shit like that. I was supposed to be against them. Told me to take five full minutes to make my case. Now, I'm feeling fairly confident about the subject, so I start my little spiel, going on about how animals shouldn't be in cages and how we're the real animals for putting them there in the first place, when all of a sudden, I get beaned in the head by an eraser. I check to see who threw it, and it was the fսcking teacher. Now, I'm surprised, to say the least, but I continue my little speech with a masterful segue into the science of evolution and how we're no less animal than any other of God's creatures… that is, if God exists; I threw that in… when another fսcking eraser hits me in the fսcking head. And it's like that every ten seconds for the rest of my speech. Something coming at my head. Erasers, chalk, crumpled paper, a half-eaten apple. But I soldier on and get through the five minutes. Afterwards, I ask my teacher, “What was that all about?” And she says, “Mr. Schneider.” For I was Schneider at the time. “Mr. Schneider, I was simply training you to block out distractions. It's your job to stay focused despite whatever's coming at you, and you did good.” Now, this seemed like bullshit at the time, but it turned out to be a very valuable lesson. It trained me for what I do now. So, tonight, Mrs. Maisel, your version of erasers and chalk and half-eaten apples will be me staying for your gig.
MIDGE: No. This isn't Bellmore.
LENNY: Everything is Bellmore.
BOISE: Mrs. Maisel. Time to start the show.
LENNY: I think it's time to start the show.
MIDGE: Fine. Stay. But do not sit where I can see you.
LENNY: Oh-ho, now I'm definitely gonna sit where you can see me!
MIDGE: Shit. Hello there, not many ladies and many gentlemen. I am Mrs. Maisel, your host and guide for the evening. This is a very weird job I have. I'm a woman who comes out here to make men laugh who are here to see women take their clothes off. Easier job for a man. And a tricky balancing act for me. But not as tricky an act as Sandy, our stripping contortionist, who uses a common household plunger to balance her… Nah, I'm not gonna spoil it for you. Just don't leave before seeing it. And what am I supposed to talk about in between strippers, huh? Baseball? Kittens? Grandparents? I mean, how do you keep a starving man's interest when you're performing between a chocolate doughnut and a cheeseburger? Not that you're all paying attention to me. See these guys right here? These guys are ignoring me and just talking to each other. What are they talking about? Just the stuff you'd expect at a joint like this. I can hear them, so let me recreate the conversation. “You know what I hate worse than being stuck in traffic when you got to piss real bad? The fact that Aristotle relied so much on opinions based on nonscientific reasoning.” “I disagree. I believe a person can reason perfectly well in circumstances where we cannot claim to have scientific understanding, so I defend the philosopher Aristotle.” “Jesus Christ, you and your fսcking Aristotle. It's Aristotle this and Aristotle that.” “You know, he buggered young boys.” “It was a different time, don't you know. You can't apply modern standards to ancient figures.” Sidebar: “Gee, Miriam Maisel, how do you even know all this stuff about Aristotle? You seem very girly with your pretty makeup and your fashionable hairstyle and your Park Avenue heels.” And I say, “Well, my father would read Aristotle to me as a child, and I absorbed facts about the old fart even though I don't know what the fսck any of it fսcking means!” Didn't mean to interrupt. Thank you! See you in a few.
– S4E3

ABE: Lenny! Good morning. Would you like some coffee?
LENNY: I…
ROSE: We have bagels, bialys, grapefruit. Zelda could make you a blintz.
ABE: Oh, yes. Go with the blintz. The blintz is a wonderful choice.
LENNY: I'm sorry, who are you?
ABE: Miss December.
LENNY: You look different.
ABE: It was the night you were talking about Miss December. We were in jail together.
LENNY: Well, I've been in jail with a variety of people.
ROSE: Oh, by the way, we told the children you were in their room because you had a tummy ache from eating too many cookies. We'd like you to stick with that story, if you don't mind.
ABE: Personally, I advocated for the truth.
ROSE: I wasn't in the mood to describe a mild case of alcohol poisoning to a five-year-old, so, if he asks…
LENNY: Who?
ROSE: Ethan.
LENNY: I don't know who…
ROSE: If a child asks you why you're here, your answer is… I thought you said he was bright.
ABE: I was talking about his humor. As a man, he could be a total idiot.
LENNY: Excuse me. Uh, last night, I had a few more things on me. A… a coat, shoes, a wallet. D-Does anyone else hear that?
MIDGE: Success. Hey, look who's finally up.
LENNY: Wait. You.
MIDGE: Oh?
LENNY: I know you.
MIDGE: I know you, too. And you are a very sound sleeper. Ethan climbed right over you to get his fire truck, and you didn't budge.
LENNY: Wait. Oh, God. That's the Hudson River out the window. Upper West Side!
ABE: You're right… he must have someone else write his material.
MIDGE: You want some coffee?
ROSE: We offered. He just stared.
MIDGE: I'm sorry I wasn't there when you woke up, but I'm toilet-training my daughter. When she does good, she gets the song. And today, she did very, very good. Yesterday was a disaster. We have to replace the wallpaper.
LENNY: Well, everybody has their ups… Uh, could I…
MIDGE: Hmm? Do you want to take a shower?
LENNY: I do not want to take a shower.
ROSE: I think you should take a shower.
LENNY: Thank you very much, lady in the kitchen. I will shower when I… shit.
MIDGE: Oh. Ow.
LENNY: How did I get here?
MIDGE: What do you remember?
LENNY: Nothing.
MIDGE: Well, last night, I was driving home from the club, and I saw you passed out on the ground. I tried to ask you where you were staying, and you said… “Nice hair.”
LENNY: I said, “Nice hair”?
MIDGE: No, but for the sake of our friendship, let's stick with “hair.” Anyhow, I said, “Thanks,” and I brought you here and stuck you in my son's room.
LENNY: Oh, with the tiny bed.
MIDGE: Well, he's five.
LENNY: Was I robbed last night?
MIDGE: Not that I know of.
LENNY: Where are my shoes, my jacket, my wallet, my watch?
MIDGE: Zelda insisted on pressing your jacket and shining your shoes, and I took your wallet and hid it because Ethan's going through a money-eating phase, and I have no idea where your watch is. Let me go look.
LENNY: Wait.
ZELDA: I need your pants.
LENNY: I need them more.
ZELDA: They are wrinkled. They are bad pants.
LENNY: Well, you just have to get to know them better.
MIDGE: Okay! I found your watch! Oh. Zelda, the jacket looks great. You want to give her your pants?
LENNY: Take a wild guess.
MIDGE: He's keeping the pants, Zelda. Shoes and wallet. Ethan did find it, and he took a bite out of a ten spot, so I'll reimburse you. I could not find your tie, but it'll turn up eventually.
LENNY: Keep the tie.
MIDGE: Lenny.
LENNY: I have ties. Thank you for this, but the next time you see me and you think that I might need help, please, just keep walking.
MIDGE: Hey. Hey! Drama queen! Dead end. Can we please… Lenny. The elevator…
LENNY: Why the hell do you live on such a high floor?
MIDGE: Why are you… Really? Lenny! Morning, Mrs. Teitelbaum. Lenny! Lenny.
LENNY: Don't you have cabs on the Upper West Side?
MIDGE: Honestly, they may be steering clear of you. Here.
LENNY: What's that?
MIDGE: That's your shoe.
LENNY: No, I'm wearing my… Two seconds ago, it was on.
MIDGE: Why are you so upset?
LENNY: I have to get home.
MIDGE: I basically scraped you off the sidewalk last night, and you're mad at me? You should be thankful.
LENNY: I'm thankful. Go back inside. Protect the wallpaper at all costs.
MIDGE: You do know you're acting like a child, right?
LENNY: Of course I'm acting like a child, I'm a comedian! Please go back inside.
DRIVER: Lenny Bruce… That's Lenny Bruce! Hey, Lenny!
LENNY: Yes, hello.
DRIVER: Lenny, you're the best.
LENNY: Thank you.
MIDGE: I don't understand what's going on here.
LENNY: You don't?
DRIVER: You're the king, Lenny. The fսcking king.
LENNY: Thank you. As my subject, you're dismissed. Both of you.
DRIVER: Lenny.
MIDGE: If you want a cab, you might want to try…
LENNY: Don't tell me how to get a cab.
DRIVER: Lenny!
MIDGE: I wasn't telling you how to get a cab. I was telling you where to get a cab.
DRIVER: Lenny!
LENNY: I can get a cab. I've been getting cabs since before you were born.
DRIVER: Hey, Lenny, I'm talking to you. Look at me.
MIDGE: Is this really how you act when someone does you a favor?
DRIVER: I'm over here giving you compliments, and you're ignoring me.
LENNY: I'm sorry, have you two met?
DRIVER: Hey. fսck you, Bruce. You hear me? You're the poor man's Mort Sahl.
LENNY: The-the light's green, sir.
DRIVER: Go iron your pants, you cocksucker.
MIDGE: Why are you acting like this?
LENNY: Because this is not my scene. This place, that apron, Grandma and Grandpa having breakfast, kids running around learning to shit, Leni Riefenstahl demanding my pants. Well, the last one's a little my scene, but…
MIDGE: Wow. I am absolutely stunned.
LENNY: I know you meant well.
MIDGE: Yeah. I meant well. I brought you to my home so you could sleep it off in a bed and not a holding cell. Sorry my parents and my kids are not your scene.
LENNY: I don't care about the kids. I have a kid.
MIDGE: You do?
LENNY: Yes.
MIDGE: Boy or girl?
LENNY: Girl.
MIDGE: You've never mentioned her.
LENNY: Really? In all the times we've been sitting around knitting and making apple dolls while the pies bake in the oven, I've never discussed my child with you? You know why? Because we're not supposed to. That's not how it works. We're comics. Creatures of the night. We discuss debauchery and pornography. We make jokes about dictators coming over for dinner. Ten minutes on how Stalin likes his steak. We don't wear aprons and discuss potty training. If I want to talk about my daughter, I'll call my mother.
MIDGE: What are you doing?
LENNY: I have to take a piss.
MIDGE: Well, come back upstairs and use the bathroom.
LENNY: If I use your bathroom, you'll play music. I don't want a soundtrack while I pee. Finally. Look, I'm… I know I'm… Here.
MIDGE: I'm sorry. What do you think happened last night?
LENNY: No, it-it's for the taxi, the shoe polishing, the blintz. Christ. It was a really terrific carpenter.
CABBIE: Hey! Aren't you Lenny Bruce?
LENNY: Just drive.
— S4E6
GORDON: Welcome back, you're watching The Gordon Ford Show, and we got funny man Lenny Bruce. So, Carnegie Hall… you nervous about filling the place?
LENNY: Not until about three seconds ago, Gordy, no.
GORDON: Yeah, but you don't have performance anxiety anymore, do you, Lenny? Wait a minute, wait a… Wait a minute, no, no, no, no, you know what I meant. Now, come on, I-let's-let's keep it clean here, folks. Nabisco's one of our sponsors.
LENNY: Hey, it's your audience who's got the dirty mind. Mine is clean as Anita Bryant's.
GORDON: Well, you're gonna fill the place. I've got confidence in you.
LENNY: Okay, look, uh… I'm going to awkwardly shill for myself here, Gordy. My manager made me promise, so here goes. Uh, z-zoom in on me, guys. Uh, come on. There you go. Oh, watch the cue card, though. All right, that's… real… There it is. Uh… Heh! Folks, this is Lenny Bruce. Asking you to please, please come to my show at the hall they call Carnegie. My self-esteem is at risk here. A less-than-sold-out show would shatter my fragile ego and hurt something very dear to the lawyers of America… My bank account. So come to my show. A-and buy Nabisco products, for Gordy's sake. I'm telling you, dunk a Ritz Cracker in a dry whiskey… tasty, gang. GORDON: Okay, well, how about we get some Ritz Crackers and whiskey for everyone in the audience, huh?
— S4E7
JILLIAN: Midge, you got a stage-door Johnny waiting.
MIDGE: What? Where? Well, this is a surprise.
LENNY: I was in the neighborhood, thought I'd stop in. I heard about the coffee here.
MIDGE: Well, nice to see you. Wait, just…
SUGAR: Hey, Lenny.
LENNY: Hello.
TRIXIE: Hiya, Lenny.
TINA: Nice tie, Leonard.
LENNY: I know them from Hebrew school.
MIDGE: I really do have to get going.
LENNY: I saw your show. It's great stuff. You made three construction workers cry.
MIDGE: Thank you.
LENNY: You're still mad at me.
MIDGE: No, I'm not.
LENNY: I was a complete ass. I'm very sorry.
MIDGE: I have forgotten all about it.
LENNY: You still sound mad.
MIDGE: Lenny, please.
LENNY: Midge, you have to forgive me. There's a performance of Haydn's “Trumpet Concerto” with original period instruments that my buddies are dying to go to, but I forced them to come here just so I could grovel. They may never speak to me again.
MIDGE: I saw that concert. They're not missing much.
LENNY: Please.
MIDGE: So, Carnegie Hall.
LENNY: Yes. Someday soon.
MIDGE: I'd find out exactly which day, if I were you.
LENNY: Good advice.
JO-JO: Lenny, bar.
MIDGE: It's very exciting.
LENNY: These are very classy people, these Carnegie people. They put me up in a swanky hotel room. They even offered to paint the room my favorite color.
MIDGE: What's your favorite color?
LENNY: I said blue.
MIDGE: Is it blue?
LENNY: Who knows?
MIDGE: Well… you.
LENNY: Okay, you're ignoring the lede here. The people from Carnegie Hall painted a hotel room… A room I'm going to be in for a total of four days, tops… blue. For me. Me! The greatest threat to American decency since Mantovani records! I am suddenly important enough for redecorating. Please be impressed!
MIDGE: I am impressed.
LENNY: Good. Which brings me to my next reason for being here.
MIDGE: Hmm?
LENNY: I got a call from Tony Bennett's people. He's doing five sold-out nights at the Copa, and they wanted me to open for him, which is a dream gig because, in addition to him being one of the nicest men in the world, his craft service table is not to be believed. Now, obviously, I can't do it since I'm playing Carnegie Hall.
MIDGE: I hear they painted your hotel room blue.
LENNY: So I talked you up. Told them you do swell heart attack humor, and they are very, very…
MIDGE: What's that? Hey. What's going on?
LENNY: Uh-oh.
MIDGE: What “uh-oh”? What's “uh-oh”?
LENNY: I believe…
COP: Get up! You ain't going nowhere. Come on, you're coming with me.
LENNY: Yep. You're being raided.
MIDGE: I am?
LENNY: We gotta move!
BOISE: Cops! Everyone, out! Dallas, Sunshine, Bubbles, go!
RUSSELL: I got the books!
BOISE: Both sets?
RUSSELL: Yep!
MIDGE: Wait, wait.
BOISE: Bunny, Mitzi, you gotta move!
BUNNY: You know, I'm getting a little tired of everyone telling me what to do, where to go, what a joke is.
MITZI: Oh, crap! I lost an earring.
BOISE: We're being raided!
MITZI: What am I gonna do with one earring?! Two ears! I got two ears!
BOISE: Stay down! Come on, come on.
LENNY: Midge!
MIDGE: I can't find my things.
LENNY: Buy more things. Let's go.
MIDGE: Come with us.
BOISE: Nope. I'm fiddling on the Titanic tonight. Go.
— S4E8
MIDGE: My shoes, my feet. It's cold.
LENNY: You'd be terrible to go on the lam with, by the way.
MIDGE: Can't you carry me?
LENNY: Carry you?
MIDGE: Yeah, you know, throw me over your shoulder.
LENNY: Who am I, Santa Claus? You're a young, strong woman. Here.
MIDGE: What do I do with this?
LENNY: Fill me in on what's going on with Castro and the rebels. Put it on your head!
MIDGE: Where are you going?
LENNY: I have to get you to shelter.
MIDGE: Aren't you gonna pay for the papers?
LENNY: It's a snowstorm!
MIDGE: So what? The man has to make a living.
LENNY: How do you know? The news stand could be a hobby.
MIDGE: If I had my purse, I'd pay.
LENNY: If I had your purse, I'd pay.
MIDGE: Wh-What if there's a hell?
LENNY: Oh, I don't believe this.
MIDGE: What if the rabbis are wrong and there is a hell and this is the moment our fate is decided?
LENNY: Believe me, honey, if there's a hell, I'm the headliner.
MIDGE: Where are we going?
— S4E8
LENNY: How you doing? You okay? Ten minutes in the elements. Do you need me to call a hairdresser, or a priest?
MIDGE: I'm fine. This place is nice.
LENNY: Carnegie Hall.
MIDGE: Ooh, they're having a hat sale at B. Altman's. If only I still had my employee discount, I'd get a discount on a discount.
LENNY: Give me that.
DESK CLERK: Good evening, Mr. Bruce. Rough weather out there.
LENNY: It is indeed. You hear that? “Mr. Bruce.” You play Carnegie Hall, you get “Mr. Bruce.”
ELEVATOR OPERATOR: Good evening, Mr. Bruce.
— S4E8
MIDGE: Whew.
LENNY: After you.
MIDGE: Ah.
LENNY: Well, what do you think?
MIDGE: Very nice, Mr. Bruce.
LENNY: Carnegie Hall. So, drink? Food? Something absorbent?
MIDGE: Towel, please. Oh, I'm so sorry, girls. Wasn't supposed to end like this.
LENNY: Are you talking to your shoes?
MIDGE: No. Shh.
LENNY: That's okay. I'm gonna have a very serious talk later with my dickie.
MIDGE: Dickie? Like…
LENNY: Yes.
MIDGE: Not…
LENNY: No.
MIDGE: Nice.
LENNY: It was the funniest garment I could come up with in the moment.
MIDGE: Keeping a safe distance?
LENNY: A respectful distance, I'd like to say.
MIDGE: Are you afraid of me 'cause I talk to my shoes? Some men find that wildly attractive.
LENNY: I think there are many things about you men would find wildly attractive. You know you can sit on the entire chair.
MIDGE: I'm fine.
LENNY: You look like one of the Wallendas, balancing there like that.
MIDGE: It… I'm wearing… I'm good.
LENNY: You’re what? What are you wearing?
MIDGE: My show corset.
LENNY: Ha! You have a show corset?
MIDGE: Yes.
LENNY: How is this different from, say, your dentist corset?
MIDGE: It's much more likely to suffocate me. It's also prettier.
LENNY: Yep. It's always the pretty ones who try to kill you.
MIDGE: Oh, boy.
LENNY: What? I did not plan this.
MIDGE: Getting me back here?
LENNY: Innocent. Get Roy Cohn on the phone right now.
MIDGE: You mean you didn't alter the atmosphere, causing it to snow, and then organize a raid at the exact moment I came offstage? What, I'm not important enough to go through all that trouble for?
LENNY: You are more important than God.
MIDGE: You paid attention.
LENNY: To you? Always. Midge?
MIDGE: Yeah?
LENNY: I gotta see the show corset.
MIDGE: Lenny…
LENNY: I'm sorry. I'm an observer of the human condition. It's the way God made me.
MIDGE: Okay. If we do this…
LENNY: Oops.
MIDGE: If we take our clothes off, and we do some very blue things in this very blue room…
LENNY: Wow, do I not know which way this is going.
MIDGE: I need you to look me in the eye first and promise that you will never, ever forget that I am very, very funny.
LENNY: First and foremost.
MIDGE: I'm serious, Lenny.
LENNY: I will be laughing through the entire thing. I promise.
— S4E8
LENNY: Yep. Just like mine.
— S4E8
LENNY: I lied. I'm only gonna laugh at the end.
— S4E8
LENNY: No.
MIDGE: I’ll be right back.
LENNY: Hello? You're kidding. Okay, so this is the textbook definition of not a good time. Okay. Okay. Goodbye. So, apparently, being Mr. Bruce means you're the one who has to bail out the slow runners after a raid. So I was thinking… That is not for you.
MIDGE: Lenny, what…
LENNY: You don't need to worry about that.
MIDGE: But…
LENNY: All is well. I promise. Now, get dressed. We'll go spring the riffraff, and then I'll take you for some truly terrible Chinese food, okay?
— S4E8
DON FRIEDMAN: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. It gives me a great deal of pleasure to welcome you to this performance of Lenny Bruce at Carnegie Hall. The one thing I'd like to say about the label of “sick comedian,” which I think is a misnomer…
LENNY: Is there anyone out there?
JO-JO: I don't know, man. Go out there and look.
LENNY: No, I'm not gonna go out there and look. Does it matter? Will it change anything? It's fine. I'll just go out there and entertain whatever junkie wandered in from Times Square.
JO-JO: Won't be the first time.
DON FRIEDMAN: …but that Lenny Bruce comments, reflects, holds up the mirror, so to speak, to the sick elements in our society that should be reflected upon and that should be spoken about. And so at this time, ladies and gentlemen, Lenny Bruce.
LENNY: Shit. All right, all right. Cool it. Like, um… I wasn't doing a milking bit, but it's ridiculous, man. Hee-hee! You should dig my point of view here, man. You know, uh, working Carnegie Hall is like, uh… I dig it, you know. It's like a… But it's a… I had a lot of fantasies with it, you know. Uh, two great fantasies. Uh, one, he introduces me and I come out with a violin and I just cook, man. ( spluttering ) But for an hour, man. ( spluttering ) Every Stravinsky. Heavy like… ( spluttering ) And I don't say a word, zugnish, and I split, you know. You go, “What was that, man?” “I don't know. It was a concert and he played a violin.” “He didn't do any bits?” “No, man, he just wailed his ass off with a violin.” Yeah.
MIDGE: Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me. Excu…
LENNY: Okay. Now, number two fantasy is that, uh… As this is the 12:00 scene… Uh, maybe the people who own this place don't even know we're here. Right? Yeah. You get a guy who's like a-a good corrupt janitor. You know? “Uh, all right, but don't make no noise and clean up after you're finished.” Okay. Okay, dig. So now you've got a dopey cliché like, uh, “Would you want your sister to marry one of them?” Which, see, has… there's no logic there, see. Because you got to tell me which sister, which one of them. Because, if I talk to a member of the Ku Klux Klan and I say, “Uh, let's see, you're, uh, 35 years old, you're unmarried, you're white, you're an attractive man. I'm gonna give you a choice… Own free will… Of marrying a Black woman or a white woman. Two chicks, about the same ages, same economic level, and you make the choice. But you gotta marry her. Whatever marriage means to you. Kissing and hugging and sleeping in a single bed on hot nights. Fifteen years with a Black, Black woman or fifteen years with a white, white woman. Kissing and hugging that Black, Black woman or the white one. You make your choice between the Black woman or the white woman. The white woman… is Kate Smith. The Black woman is Lena Horne. So, then you are not concerned with Black or white anymore, are you?” I don't know if there's any losers out here. You know, when you break up with your old lady, uh, get divorced, uh, here's the problem. I don't know if you'll encounter it. It's particularly a show business problem, but, uh… because of my hours. I'm not a particularly promiscuous person, but I like to have someone, you know, to hang out with, to talk to. Usually, I go out with chicks that are between 30 and 40, because they're usually divorced and good and bitter, too, you know. But the hang-up is, where can you go at 4:00 in the morning? And every chick I know who's divorced has got a seven-year-old kid. Now, if they haven't got a seven-year-old kid, they've got a mother who lives with them who's divorced, too. And those kinds of mothers are real nuts. You know, complete competition with their daughters. “Oh, you think I got nice legs? I was a Charleston dancer.” Yeah. Ha! Yeah. And so the hang-up is, at 4:00 in the morning, where you gonna… If you say, uh, “motel,” semantics, that's out. Yeah. Really. It's got, like, a lewd connotation. So, I figured all kinds of devices, like, uh, I tell a chick “a trailer.” Well that sounds cute, right? Nothing dirty about trailers. “Hey, want to go to my trailer?” “Yeah, okay. Where is it?” “Well, it's in my motel room now.” “Yeah. I'll help you assemble it.” This one chick, oh, I kind of dug her, you know? Uh, I known her a couple years, seen her after work. And, uh, we're sitting there outside of the motel, and, uh, she says, “All right, look. I don't want to go in there. I don't want to be embarrassed with the registering and all that. You go in.” I say, “All right. Solid. You stay in the car.” So, I go in. Uh, “Hello.” “Hello. Um… How much is it here a month?” “Well, we just got a daily rate. Six dollars.” “Uh… I'll tell you what. Uh… My sister's out in the car, and, uh… we had a terrible tragedy in our family. My uncle passed away. And I don't know if you've ever had a tragedy like that. Uh, we were very close to him, in fact. And, uh, she's all shook up. She's under sedation. She's just hysterical. So, I'm gonna sleep with her.” Time to split. Grab a shovel and go home. Thank you.
— S4E8
MIDGE: Excuse me. Excuse me. Ooh, sorry if that was a foot!
LENNY: Ah! Ha! There she is. Everyone, this is Midge Maisel. Mrs., to those in the know.
JO-JO: Hey, hey, hey, how's your father-in-law?
MIDGE: He's fine, actually. He's gonna recover.
JO-JO: Oh, thank God. We were in a panic all evening.
LENNY: Uh, can you all excuse me? I have to talk to this lady for a moment.
MIDGE: Lenny, you were insanely great tonight. Really. The people around me never wanted you to stop. Might've wanted you to slow down if they were following you like this. Lenny. Little tip: the nicer the lady looks, the worse her shoes are. Wow. This is amazing. How did it feel?
LENNY: How did it feel? Uh… It felt great.
MIDGE: Been here before to see concerts, but out in the audience, obviously.
LENNY: I hear you turned down the Bennett gig.
MIDGE: Yeah. I did.
LENNY: Said you wouldn't even come to the phone.
MIDGE: Well, that was more Susie, but yes.
LENNY: Okay. Let's put aside for a moment that I went to bat for you for that job. I mean, really, I turned down their price three times. “No, she can't work for that. Do you have any idea what you're getting here?” That's on me. You didn't ask me to do that, so I'm the schmuck there.
MIDGE: Lenny…
LENNY: But I couldn't really figure out why. So I asked around. I don't know. Were you being blacklisted again? Did the Baldwin thing hurt you that much? I'm at Carnegie Hall. I've got five minutes where maybe I can help you before I'm thrown out of the club again. But then I heard that you were turning down gigs right and left.
MIDGE: I made a decision to do things my way.
LENNY: I'm sorry, what does that mean?
MIDGE: It means I just want to say what I want to say. Why am I explaining this to you?
LENNY: Why? Because my fսcking mind is blown, that's why.
MIDGE: I don't understand.
LENNY: No opening act gigs.
MIDGE: Yes.
LENNY: That's true?
MIDGE: Yes, that's true. I told you about the manifesto.
LENNY: Do you understand that this is a business? Like anything else… You get hired, you get paid. You understand that?
MIDGE: Yes, but…
LENNY: And the trick is to get good and get paid.
MIDGE: I get paid at the Wolford.
LENNY: Oh, come on. One thing you are not is dumb.
MIDGE: Wait a minute. You never compromise. You get up onstage knowing the police could be there, or, hell, that they are there, and you say whatever the hell it is you want anyhow. Why is it wrong for me to want to do the very same thing?
LENNY: Jesus Christ, Midge. What a fսcking pedestal you put me on. Getting arrested is not a badge of honor. Getting arrested means I can't work where I want to work. People are afraid of booking me. It's exactly the opposite of what I want for myself.
MIDGE: But…
LENNY: Do you know how much I hate knowing that half the people that come to see me are hoping I'm gonna get popped? Hoping they'll have some great story to tell their friends over cheese and crackers? I want people to fսcking laugh. Think and laugh, sure, but laugh. I'm a comic. An entertainer. Baggy pants, banana peels. I'm not the stand-up messiah. This is what I want. This is what I have worked for. Don't you want this? Don't you want to be here? Don't you want to know a thousand mental patients braved a fսcking snowstorm to see you? That should be the goal!
MIDGE: How do you know it's not?
LENNY: Because you're not gonna get here hiding yourself away in a club that technically doesn't exist.
MIDGE: I'm not hiding.
LENNY: You sure as fսck are hiding. So what you got dumped by Baldwin? Who gives a shit? Go get another gig. And another and another.
MIDGE: So I'm just supposed to get fired from one job after another?
LENNY: Yes. If that's what it takes. Listen to me. I have made a lot of mistakes and I am gonna keep making a lot of mistakes, but one thing is crystal clear in my mind and it's what the endgame is.
MIDGE: Oh, really? So that's what the bag in your…
LENNY: No. Do not make this about me. This is about you. You wanted me to remember you're funny, right? That night? You didn't want me to think of you as just a girl. You wanted me to think of you as a comic. Well, don't you forget that I'm a comic, too. Don't you dare look at me as someone to be pitied or helped or fixed. I do not want or need that, especially from you.
MIDGE: I don't want to fix you.
LENNY: Ninety percent of this game is how they see you. They see you hanging with Tony Bennett, they think you deserve to be there. They see you hauled off to jail for saying “fսck” at a strip club, they think you deserve that also. Wise up.
MIDGE: I'm not hiding. I have a plan.
LENNY: Don't plan! Work. Just work, and keep working. There is a moment in this business… Windows open. If you miss it, it closes. Just don't… If you blow this, Midge, I swear… you will break my fսcking heart.
— S4E8
MIDGE: Hello.
LENNY: Hello.
MIDGE: First time traveling?
LENNY: And carrying things, yes.
MIDGE: Can I, uh…? Rothstein, Myers, Friedman and Yabromowitz. Your rabbis?
LENNY: My lawyers.
MIDGE: Ah. Well, you don't want to lose this.
LENNY: No. They charge by the word. Double for the bad ones.
MIDGE: So, you're taking a trip?
LENNY: I am West Coast bound, yes.
MIDGE: Really?
LENNY: Yes. Gonna see what an L.A. holding cell is like.
MIDGE: I hear 72 and sunny. No humidity.
LENNY: How have you been?
MIDGE: Good. Really good.
LENNY: Good. Are you off somewhere?
MIDGE: No. I just forced a very nervous magician to get on a plane by holding his cape hostage.
LENNY: I did that last week. The bastard left rabbits all over my apartment.
MIDGE: Mm. So, how long are you gonna be out west?
LENNY: Don't know. I've got some gigs lined up. I rented a house.
MIDGE: Wow. You're a man with a lease.
LENNY: It happens to the best of us.
MIDGE: Well… I… think you'll really enjoy L.A. With all the… sun and… oranges and Disneyland. All the things you love.
LENNY: Oh, I'm sure I'll find a cloud or two to hide under. My kid's gonna come stay with me for a while.
MIDGE: Lucky girl.
LENNY: Yes. Well, I should probably go find a plane heading west. I'm sorry I didn't call.
MIDGE: Oh, no. We don't do that, right?
LENNY: Okay. You take care.
MIDGE: Lenny! I'm not gonna blow it.
LENNY: I'm gonna hold you to that.
— S5E1
LENNY: The Constitution only recognizes that all people when they are illegal are immoral. And then they get busted, and they're indecent, and that's where it's at. Now, the last four years, I spent in and out of the courts. And I figured out, after four years, uh, why I got arrested so many times. Dig what happened. Uh… I do my act at, oh, perhaps, Eleven o'clock at night. Little do I know that 11:00 a.m. the next morning, before the grand jury somewhere, there's another guy doing my act who's introduced as Lenny Bruce… in substance. “Here he is, Lenny Bruce. In substance.” A peace officer, who is trained for, uh, to recognize clear and present danger, not make believe, does the act. The grand jury watches him work, and they go, “That stinks!” But I get busted. And the irony is that I have to go to court to defend his act! I want to show you this, here.
MAN: Again?
LENNY: Uh, “Criminal Court, City of New York, Part 2B, County of New York.” Uh, “The honorable judges and” blah, blah, blah. ”…attorney.” “By the information filed on April 3, 1964, the defendants Lenny Bruce and Harold L. Solomon were charged in two separate counts, giving an indecent performance in violation of Section 1148 of the penal law of New York.” Alright, now that's the grand jury. That was the first bust. Uh… “During the first performance, Bruce fondles the microphone in a masturbatory fashion. Second performance, while telling an act of exposure, Bruce then turned his back toward the audience and moved his hand outward and upward, below his waist, in an obvious and crude pantomime of an act of exposure and masturbation.” Okay, so I said, “Make sure to tell him it's gestures of the benediction, not masturbation.” Because, like, I would never make gestures of masturbation. Because I like, like, I'm-I'm concerned with, uh… with, uh, my-my image and I know, you know, what offends chicks. Uh, what's ugly to them, uh, what frightens them. So I said, “Tell him it's gestures of the benediction.” Okay. Uh… Ah, “Three… Saint Paul giving up fսcking.” Okay, uh, what I said there was… Uh, that's how the bit is reported. But I said that, uh… Hah… Oh, I forget, it's been so long since I did that bit. Uh… I said that, uh… I said, uh, how the hell did I do that bit? I said… Now I see, I… I forget the bit, I… No, it's weird 'cause I didn't know that was a bit that they… that they put in there and, uh… I forget where it- where it started. I think I was talking about the how the Jews lost… Ah. Hey, do you want to see my dance?
MAN: No!
LENNY: Yeah, I'll do my dance for you, uh… Here, this is the first time that I've ever danced in front of an audience. This is uh, my American folk dance. ( dances and splutters) Uh… Hello. Hello. Dirty Lenny is in here. Dirty Lenny is going on soon. The pornographer. Uh, look, I really dug working with you. I did, and, uh… Oh, as Will Rogers once said, uh, “I never met a dyke I didn't like.” And, uh, and goodnight.
– S5E9

SUSIE: Lenny Bruce.
LENNY: Yeah?
SUSIE: You remember me? Susie Myerson.
LENNY: The chopped liver yenta from Allerton Avenue?
SUSIE: No, I'm a manager. I'm Midge Maisel's manager.
LENNY: Didn't you used to be a man?
SUSIE: No, I did not.
LENNY: Hey, who's holding?
SUSIE: You're doing some, uh, interesting stuff up there.
LENNY: Yeah, did you see my dance? Hey, if you see Slim, tell him I'm here and he needs to get a fսcking watch. The show's been over for hours.
GUY: You got it, Lenny.
SUSIE: Hey, Lenny, you want to get out of here? Go somewhere to talk?
LENNY: Shit. I remember you now. Gaslight?
SUSIE: Yes, Gaslight. Long time ago. I'm a manager now.
LENNY: Of the Gaslight?
SUSIE: No, I'm a talent manager. I'm Midge Maisel's manager. I'm Dіck Gregory's manager. I'm Phyllis Diller's manager. I'm Eartha Kitt's manager. I'm a lot of people's manager. Listen, let's just go get some food, huh? Some coffee.
LENNY: No, I'm not hungry.
SUSIE: Then let's just get you back on your feet. How about that?
LENNY: Back on my feet?
SUSIE: What I saw out there tonight was a fսcking disgrace. Nobody wants to see you babble on about bullshit, man. They want you to be funny. You forget how to tell a joke or make an observation without a fսcking case number attached to it?
LENNY: I'm an observational cat, dig? I observe and then I report. That's all I can do.
SUSIE: You can do more than that.
LENNY: Like sing?
SUSIE: Like club dates.
LENNY: Oh, man, come on.
SUSIE: What come on?
LENNY: The fսck are you talking about, club dates? There are no more club dates. This, tonight, was a fluke. They thought they booked Bruce Lee.
SUSIE: Are you trying to stand up?
LENNY: I don't know what the fսck I'm trying to do. Club dates… Yes, I'm trying to stand up. I can't step foot in any club east of the Grand Canyon. I've been pushed so far west, I got nothing left but Catalina. Next week I'm working on the back of a dolphin. Jonah and the Whale for a pack of marlin and a school of sardines.
SUSIE: I can change that.
LENNY: Yeah? How?
SUSIE: I have connections. People owe me favors.
LENNY: You're gonna use your favors up on me? Why?
SUSIE: Because you are Lenny Bruce. There's only ever gonna be one of you. Let's get him back.
GUY: Lenny? Slim's here.
LENNY: Keep those favors. Use them for someone worthy. Congratulations on repping Dіck Capri. He's a good comic… Hey, Susie? Is Midge here?
SUSIE: No. Just me.
MIDGE: Well?
SUSIE: No.
MIDGE: You tell him you talked to Albert Grossman?
SUSIE: He's a mess, Miriam. You want to go in and…?
MIDGE: No. No.
SUSIE: Look, I'm gonna be in L.A. next month. If he's around, I will try again. Come on, let's go get drunk.
– S5E9

LENNY: Yeah, remember, indecipherable.
MIDGE: This makes no sense.
LENNY: Do you want me to teach you how to be famous or not?
MIDGE: After you learn, maybe.
LENNY: Okay, this is not the behavior of someone who's been eating gratis salt and pepper shrimp all night.
MIDGE: But if someone asks for your autograph, they should be able to read your name.
LENNY: No. Wrong. If they can read your name, they will feel cheated. They will know you are real. That you went to school. That you can write a check.
MIDGE: Okay. Here. What do you think?
LENNY: What's this?
MIDGE: My autograph.
LENNY: I see at least three letters very clearly. Again.
MIDGE: Who taught you how to be famous?
LENNY: I was born famous.
MIDGE: I see.
LENNY: I floated down the Nile in a basket stuffed with greasepaint and a copy of the trades.
MIDGE: That's a terrific story.
LENNY: I made it up myself. You want to hear the one about the tap dancing locusts? You want anything else?
MIDGE: Is there anything else?
LENNY: Just the check.
MIDGE: Thank you for the feast.
LENNY: You're welcome.
MIDGE: It's been a great night.
LENNY: I concur.
MIDGE: Is it still snowing?
LENNY: Well, if it is… there won't be any cabs. Trains will be spotty. You might have to seek shelter somewhere nearby until it clears up.
MIDGE: I already sought shelter earlier, and now I have to go to confession in the morning.
LENNY: Last booth on the left knows Hebrew.
MIDGE: Well? What about this?
LENNY: Oh, nice. That's practically Sanskrit.
MIDGE: Ah!
LENNY: Okay, now we should work on ignoring people who you obviously know when they're standing two feet away from you. All the famous people do it.
MIDGE: What makes you so sure I'm gonna be really famous?
LENNY: Mm, it's just a hunch. I've seen your act. I watched you escape a police raid.
MIDGE: So, running and talking.
LENNY: You have many skills.
MIDGE: I think my show corset turned your head.
LENNY: My head turned a long time ago. It's why I keep pulling to the right.
MIDGE: I don't know. I hope you're right, because I don't have a plan B. All my eggs are in one big basket.
LENNY: Mm, allow me.
MIDGE: God I love a man who steals my food.
LENNY: “A spotlight waits for you center stage. All you have to do is step up and claim it.”
MIDGE: Wow.
LENNY: “Once you do, everyone will know who you are. They will know your wit, your intellect, your smile. Your great, expressive eyes. They will be helpless to your charms.”
MIDGE: That must be some very small writing.
LENNY: “They will fall at your feet and worship at the altar of you and your show corset.”
MIDGE: Can I see that fortune?
LENNY: Oh, no. If someone sees you can read, they'll never let you be famous.
MIDGE: “Your lucky numbers are 46, 24, 11, six and five.”
LENNY: It's all how you read it. You mark my words. Very soon, in the not too distant future, you will be paying for the Chinese food.
– S5E9

1. Pilot
2. Ya Shivu v Bolshom Dome Na Kholme
3. Because You Left
8. Thank You and Good Night

1. Simone
5. Midnight at the Concord
10. All Alone

1. Strike Up the Band
5. It's Comedy or Cabbage

3. Everything is Bellmore
5. How to Chew Quietly and Influence People
6. Maisel vs. Lennon: The Cut Contest
7. Ethan...Esther...Chaim
8. How Do You Get to Carnegie Hall?

1. Go Forward
9. Four Minutes

• List of Characters